Say it aint so!

There are certain utterances that you never want to hear, or never hear again after you hear them the first time, for a variety of reasons-some things make you want to toss your cookies, some scare you to death, and some just grate on your last nerve. I’m in a bit of a mood due to another sleepless night, so I’m in the perfect mind set to share some of these with you. I’ll start off with my son, a king of sorts in this particular area because he certainly knows how to produce shock and awe in those around him. (For those who aren't into potty humor, I'll warn you now about the first item on my list.)

"I have a skid mark."
My husband spied my son stark naked in the hallway when he was supposed to be donning his PJ's tonight.
My husband: "Where’s your underwear?"
My son: "I threw them down the chute." (Laundry chute)
My husband: "Why?"
My son: "Because I had a skid mark."

Okay, for those of you who don’t have boys, or husbands for that matter, this is a polite, albeit strange, term that those of the male persuasion use to refer to somewhat soiled undies, and the term alone can send a mother off the deep end. Thank goodness my husband had him go and retrieve this particular pair, or I was in for one nasty surprise the next time I did whites! Now around our house, if you did the deed you need to clean it up yourself, but I’m afraid to go into the bathroom for fear of seeing water everywhere, so I’ll continue with my list…

"Can I please?"
Okay, this one has started becoming a habit with both my kids, and it’s a habit I need to break now. When I say no, I mean no, but for some reason this word doesn’t mean the same to either of them-it means whine as much as possible until A) Mom pops a gasket, or B) Mom pops a gasket. I don’t change my answer so I’m guessing that my explosion is something worth watching-maybe I need to hide a camera somewhere just to see what I'm missing.

And then there are problems with the request of me to them. This problem has started to get worse as well, and it takes a minimum of 3 requests (and this is on a good day) for me to get my kids to do anything. Now I know how my mother felt, and she had four kids instead of two!

"Mom, you’ve got to see this!"
I don’t know how this one started either, but no one likes to close the bathroom door in my house except for myself. My husband’s theory is why close it when it someone just opens it anyway, my daughter closes it sporadically, and my son not at all. And my son always has something to show me once he’s in there, and I can honestly tell you that nothing that happens in that room interests me.

"Drop-and-run”
This next item is more of a theory of mine to help explain the unexplainable. The kids are both in bed and I just surveyed my living room-there are two books, two dog toys, and there used to be a pair of large socks (I took care of these dear) lying on the floor. For some odd reason, my family does what I call a "drop and run"-the item is taken off or placed in a particular location, and once there it becomes part of the scenery. Nobody sees it so it ceases to exist. Each member will then quickly run off without said item unless I point out that it needs to go too.

"Mom, when are you going to get off the phone?"
I forgot to mention in my last post that quite a number of supposed emergencies and repeated requests occur when I’m on the phone. Now I try not to call anyone until after the kids go to bed, but business hour calls are the exception. Today I received to e-mails concerning a credit card purchase I made Monday-unfortunately, I mistakenly ordered an item twice. (I finalized the order before my promo code and didn’t know it.) Well, I called the company and their representative told me that the one order had been removed, so why was I getting two separate e-mails from UPS concerning delivery? So there I was, sitting in front of my computer using the number pad on my phone to answer questions with my credit card company, and my daughter repeatedly asks me if she can get on my computer. Then, when I finally did talk to a human, and before I could be reassured that I was only billed once, my son runs into the room yelling “Mom, Mom” and starts pulling on my arm. I give all the right mean looks and I give the same lecture after I get off the phone that I gave the last time they both did this. What gives?

"Mom, I don't feel so good..."
I had to finish my list with this little number because nothing scares a parent more than getting upchucked on (been there on more times than I care to admit). Unfortunately this line is often muttered late at night when our kids are either in bed, or somewhere other than near a bathroom. My husband and I have become almost pros at this one, often grabbing a nearby container, guiding our sickly one as fast as we can to the bathroom all the while chanting, “Everything’s going to be alright.” Man, we’re good!

Well there are others decidedly more sordid, but my husband now says he wants a blog of his own and my daughter is afraid of what I might write next, so I better call it quits while my family still talks to me. Do any of you want to share your special "something’s" that you could do without hearing for a while? I’m listening…